Stubborn traveler

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear and she says, "oh I'm sorry" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

I told her, "First class isn't going to Houston ."

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"How did Dad know when he was going to die?"

"The judge told him."

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~Lily~
First Sydney Ammiratore and "A Usual Suspect"
"If music be the food of love, play on"

 Trying to post something- but it keeps coming up in duplicate!! 

Will buy some theatre tix on line and come back to it!

 Trying to post something- but it keeps coming up in duplicate!! 

Will buy some theatre tix on line and come back to it!

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Gallagher  opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best  friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher.  "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.    "Where are ye callin' from?"

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An  Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.   The state trooper smells alcohol on  the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor  of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been  drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper  says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the  bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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Walking  into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh  yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was  over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch!    What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed,  you little  chicken."

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Flynn  staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife,  Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs  leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.  As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung  around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in  each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down  his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks  were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box  of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each  place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid  box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning,  Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were  drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why you say  such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open  front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the  stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,  it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those  Band-Aids stuck on the hall  mirror.

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~Lily~
First Sydney Ammiratore and "A Usual Suspect"
"If music be the food of love, play on"

                                                                         AGING

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

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Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really !? Like a newborn baby !?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants".  

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly". The other man said, "What’s the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

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During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?" "Sure. Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down!" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake !" Then he toddles to the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

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YUK,YUK,YUK!!!

I'll be sending these onto my Flight-attendant friend.

Got these from a friend the other day-

had me laughing out loud! 

Wish I could have been so flip when faced with questions I didn't know the answer !

Should have got some marks for creativity and lateral thinking!

 

 

 

 

 

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More NYUK NYUK YUK!!!!  Those people really were clever! (and gutsy!)

Yes, hilarious and  they should definitely have got some marks as they did answer the questions

Quite an old one now, but still a bit of a giggle:

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~Lily~
First Sydney Ammiratore and "A Usual Suspect"
"If music be the food of love, play on"

Apologies if this has done the rounds already- but it's not crossed my path 'til now.

I haven't laughed so much for a long time! I think I relate to almost every part of it!!

 

 

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YOU WERE WATCHING

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That last bit about the husband waiting outside having got in  and out the rest room so much quicker- bought to mind  Rufus Wainwright's Carnegie Hall  Judy Garland concert.

A critic noted that it was the first time he'd ever seen queues to the rest rooms longer for the Gent's than the Ladies.

(For those who don't know- Rufus is gay and has  a large gay following.) 

 

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Oh yes, the joys of public restrooms.  And you can actually be cited for using the opposite gender's bathroom when the line is too long.  (Not that I would really WANT to use a gents)

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Julie

I will carry you, be your strength, pull you through.

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At the Olympia Thatre in Paris it was a bit daunting!! Again for Rufus- the men's queue was as long as the Women's- but they ran parallel- into a passage way- then the Men's room door was opening and closing -on the left -  as we queued for the Women's at the end of the passage!

Not sure what the scene was behind that opening and closing door! I was making sure my eyes were averted to the opposite direction!  WAY too much information for my liking!

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